I’m pretty sure I’m not bipolar….

My blogs been a bit quiet lately.  Sorry about that.  I promise to write something thursday.  I have a feeling I’m going to have the time to write one then.  So stay tuned my loyal blog readers of…..uhm….5…people.

I know I should have posted this on the actual day of my birthday, but I was too excited with everything else at the time to find time to write this.  I wanted to make this blog be a kind of a snapshot of my mind at the time of my birthday.  Kind of like how Voldemort left a copy of himself in a book except without the part where it tries to kill people.  I don’t have any plan or specifics to make this "snapshot" so it’s going to be somewhat disjointed and disarrayed.  Have fun wading through it.

Do I listen to music differently?  It seems to me I can never pinpoint exactly what kind of music I really like.  All I truly know is what kind of music I trully don’t like.  Even then there are exceptions.  If you ask me it sounds like my musical taste haven’t fully matured.  Just like a great deal of everything else about me.  I have a theory about this.  I came up with it ages ago when I was in college.  According to my family, I didn’t start speaking until I was 5 years old.  I hear that’s not very normal.  That fact coupled with another little factoid I heard from high school form my theory.  I just full of theories aren’t I.  That factoid goes like this.  Which came first, thinking or speaking?  The question was brought up in my English class in high school.  Apparently, experts are at a disagreement about this.  I always thought that it was an obvious answer, but the more we talked about it, the more I started doubting my answer.  Words afterall makes things thinkable.  How do we think if not in words?  But of course there are some thoughts that doesn’t require words, but those seems to be far and few in between.  Anyways, back to my theory.  The fact that I didn’t start talking until I was 5 years old and that whole thought or speech debate, I came up with a theory.  My mental development is completely and uterly delayed.  What I mean is something like this.  When I was in high school, my thinking is far more akin to that of a grade school kid.  When I was in college, my thinking is closer to that of a high school kid.  Right now, I believe my mind is still in it’s college phase.  Like most of my theories, I can’t prove it.  It only feels right.   There’s that word again.  "feels right".  One of these days I’m going to find an absolute fact.  Until then, let fear rule me through it’s unyielding grip over my mind.  It paralizes me to think about where my life is going.  I can’t possibly live my life under my mom’s care.  One day, I must take care of her.  I want to take care of her.  Why can’t I change my ways to do so?  What do I fear so much that I can’t change?  Why can’t I change?  I’ve walked my whole life going where ever the winds will take me.  Funny thing about it is that it hasn’t blown in any direction I need to be lately.  I need to stop relying on the wind.  Gotta change.   Gotta change!  Gotta change!!  GOTTA CHANGE!!!  Maybe after this internship is over, I can change.  I’ll have more time to do so after all.  Maybe I should change during it.  That should be what I should do.  But, what will I do?  Who will I become?  Why do I fear growing up so damn much?  I can certainly see myself living by myself, being totaly self dependant, but I can’t see how I’m going to get from here to there.  I fear I’m going to let her down so bad that I really wouldn’t know what I would do If that happens.  NO, I do know what I would do, but I already know that is unacceptable.  I’ll never do that.  I want her to know that I will repay her for everything she’s done for me.  I will not become a total waste of skin.  I just wish I knew how.  My mind.  It can’t focus on this.  I just can’t make it focus on this.  I seriously need to grow up.  I have to grow up.  First thing first…get a job.  I just hope it doesn’t….. no, that won’t do.  I think it’s time to fill my heart with devils and dust.  What choice do I have?  I must change….for her.