I’m pretty sure I’m not bipolar….

What happens to a dream deferred?

 

Does it dry up 

like a raisin in the sun? 

Or fester like a sore– 

And then run? 

Does it stink like rotten meat? 

Or crust and sugar over– 

like a syrupy sweet?

 

Maybe it just sags 

like a heavy load.

 

Or does it explode?

-Langston Hughes, A Dream Deferred

I pick exploding.  

Most reasonable people would tell me that the course of my life is by far for the best given the current economic conditions.  I have a pretty steady job with a smidge of job security given how I am quite literally the only one in my office qualified to do what I do.  Keep the computers running.  Nevertheless, I still would’ve picked that path.

I should step back a little bit.  A good 2 or 3 years ago, I came into 1UP.com’s offices for a job interview.  The fact that I got that far amazed the living hell out of me.  You remember right?  I blogged about it.  I so wanted to work there.  It was kinda like my mecca.  Just a bunch of people dedicated to running a website about the culture of video games.  Not about video games mind you.  The culture of video games.  I can’t think of an office job I’ve had where I didn’t visit the website everyday.  Just another smidge of video gaming news to keep my day going.  Just 5 more minutes.  No wait, just another 5 minutes.  I’m almost done with this article!  That wonderful website.  The one that got me through so many hours of my workday.  The place I fantasize about working in.  Spending hours into the night finishing a review or writting up a feature piece.  All the stuff that most people in that industry probably wouldn’t even dream of glorifying.  Fact is, I’d be proud of it.  If only I could have that chance.  Guess I’ll never know now.

1UP.com didn’t close their proverbial doors or anything, but if you ask me, it would probably be a better way to go.  They were sold along with the rest of the 1UP network.  Given the nature of any business, changes were made.  Change, in this case, is just a euphemism.  If you ask me, the soul have just been sucked out.  Thrown aside like yesterday’s newspaper.  A good 30 people was laid off immediately today.  Many of which made the site what it is today.  The website I dreamed of working for is gone.  They’ll say that it’s still 1UP.com, but that’s just a name.  It was the people behind it that made it a name to be revered.  I went to the website that bought them.  I’ve seen what exactly it is they think is a “video game website”.  It’s not pretty.

I do have one hope for 1UP.com.  The people left standing from this dreadful event are still good people.  My hope is that they carry whatever flame left burning from the soul of the defunct 1UP.com and use it to ignite a new soul.  One that’s worthy of bearing the 1UP.com name.  Don’t let history say that 1UP.com was sold to UGO.  I want it to say that 1UP.com fused itself with UGO to form an entirely new being.  One that remind people that 1UP.com didn’t get sold out.  1UP.com simply transformed itself into something greater than UGO ever was.  I want the name UGO to be entirely forgotten.  Brushed aside by the enormity of the 1UP.com label.  I want UGO to be nothing more than a footnote in the anals of 1UP.com history!

It isn’t going to happen.  I already know it.  But one can dream can’t he.  And I hope this one doesn’t explode on me like the last one did.

Money does strange things to people. Take me for example. First, I bought this. Why? Because it’s red! If you’ve seen my DS Fat, and wonder why I still use it instead of upgrading to the DS Like like the rest of the world, look no further than the color of the case. Can’t wait till they make red Wiimotes.

Wait, that’s not the only thing he bought. Lemon, take a look here This one cost me a very, very, VERY, pretty penny.

222

I’m tired.  I’m just tired.  It’s 12:44 AM.  Of course I’m tired.  Hell, I was working the whole day.  That’s right.  I was working the entire Saturday, and no, I don’t care what you have to say about the subject you working on Saturdays yourself.  I’m just too tired to care about what you think of you and your Saturday hours.

So, there I was at 10 AM this morning.  That’s the usual time I get up on Saturdays.  I get up and what do I do, put on some presentable pants (barely) walk out the door and drive to work…ON A FREAKIN’ SATURDAY!!!  I hate computers.  I wish they’d all burn to hell, and yes, including the one I’m typing on.  That’s why I was there you know.  Computers needing upgrades.  Tried, but only to come up against oppositions from the damn computers themselves.  If I want you stupid computers to think, I’d get computers that can think!  Until then, DO AS YOU’RE TOLD!!!!

I guess you’re all wondering as to why, after over an entire month of abscence, am I writting again.  Oddly enough it isn’t some desperate need to write again although that desperate need is definitly still there.  The reason I’m writting at least this blog is because of an ad for an upcoming TV show on NBC.  I think it’s a drama.  Coudln’t really tell.  Called Quarterlife.  What’s it about?  Blogging.  Yup.  They’re making TV shows about people who blog now.  Oddly enough, it sounds a little bit like that other show Gossip Girl except without all the sexual intrigue and more personal revelations through the lens of others.  Anyways, I saw that ad and suddenly just got the urge to blog again.  So here I am with my head barely being kept up straight and my left eye half closed.  Easiest way to tell how awake I am.  Just take a look at how big my left eye is open.  If it’s all the way open, I’m there.  If it’s half closed, come back tomorrow.

Oh right, the past month.  So lots of stuff happenned in the past month.  I’m an editor now for RRB games.  That means, I get to read other people’s reviews and tell them how much they suck compared to my magnificently well written reviews.  Ahh such power!  Either that or I just tell them if they need rewrites or not.  I prefer to do the former, but whatever.  Also, we have a new person in our office.  Should I say her name?  I guess I’ll keep it off the blogs.  Just want to say though, wish I didn’t work there.  Not because she’s unbearable or anything.  Just the opposite actually.  Welll, I’ve only known her for a week.  I guess we’ll see if she lives up to my lofty expectations of women.  Probably not, but who cares.

That’s it for now I guess.  One day, when another show about blogging goes on the air, maybe I’ll get the urge to blog again.  Until then, may I recommend the newspapers.  I hear it’s very informative, but that’s just the word on the streets.  Take it with a grain of salt or something.

Oh wait, did you see my weight today?  That’s right, I’m gaining even more weight!  219 was bad enough, now 223.  Who wants to start taking bets on when I’ll reach 250?  Anyone?  Anyone?  I will!  I’d say Mrch 21st!  I’d put 20 bucks into it.  Anyone else wanna join the pool?  Just send me a check.

I worry too much.  I think that’s my biggest problem above everything else.  I just worry too damn much.  This job of mine’s got me a little bit worried.  I don’t even know why really.  It’s all just a big jumble of a mess up there right now.  My mind I mean.  Just like my room.  It’s the messiest I’ve ever seen it in my life.  I could barely get to my bed without stepping on something.  It’s really disheartenning to even look at it.  Kinda like looking at my all too rosy situation.

Strictly speaking, I’m in a very good place.  Got a job.  Some would say a career even.  Got a home to go to.  Got family.  Got good health albeit slightly overweight.  OK really overweight, but whatever.  Even got some money now.  In fact, I’m about to get an even bigger part in my job than before thanks to some restructuring of the company.  Everyone around me is calling it a "Golden Opportunity".  Funny.  That’s not what I see.  When I accepted this job, I knew I was a fledgling IT guy just trying to learn the ropes.  So how exactly does that work when I’m suddenly about to be thrown into a role I still know nothing about?  Every step I’ve taken so far have been fraught with mistakes.  Some so stupid I wonder how I even made them.  So now they want to make me do what my boss did without his help?  Talk about walking into a minefield.  So now, they want me to do things that I’ve never done or even seen done before with even higher stakes.  Sign me up!  There is such a thing as throwing a sheep to the wolves you know.  BAAAAAA

Just bloody wonderful.  They gave me two four day weekends to stew this over.  My that was a lovely four day weekend.  Just sitting there worrying about just how badly I’m gonna screw everything up.  Boo Yeah!  Can’t wait till they fire me for sheer incompetence!

It’s not all doom and gloom I suppose.  I could hunker down and study like I’ve never studied before…Out of a book!  All it means is the destruction of any semblance of a free life.  And you know, abandoning an aspect of my life that’s been with me for almost 20 years.  That’s probably what all this comes down to.  When all the cards are laid out, where is there space for my one passion in life?  There isn’t is there.  So why bother.  Why don’t I just pack up all my consoles and games, drive around to people’s houses and just give it to them outright.  Hell, I can’t play’em.  Why have them take up space in my house…..Can’t do it though.  Just couldn’t do it.  Sorry Lemon.  You came this close to owning a Wii, a PS3, another 360, and a buttload of games.  I couldn’t picture my life without them.  You might as well take away the air I breathe.

So there you have it folks.  A table overcrowded with cards.  With me somewhere below that pile.  I wonder what would happen if I just walk away?  In one form or another, just walk away.  Let the table collapse under the weight.  If I walk away, I wouldn’t have to care.  Hell, where would I walk away to.  That probably scares me more than this.  I guess I’m staying put.

I worry too much.  I really do.  For all I know, I’ll come out of this better than I was before.  I just can’t seem to see that though.  Stupid chemical imbalance in my brain.  At least, that’s my best guess as to why I tend to go on these little emotional roller coaster rides.  Hey what do you know, this blog lives up to the intended name of the blog.  Cool!

PS  Oh wait!  I almost forgot.  HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!

218

I’m tired.  I’m just too tired.  Of all this.  This…Nonsense.

I have a job!  I can’t believe I have a job!  I really can’t believe it.  Oddly enough, today is the official first day of my job.  Before I was considered a temp/consultant, but today is the day I’m officially an employee.  Todays was also the toughest day I had at my job so far.  I had to do this thing, what it is isn’t really all that important, and I don’t know.  I honestly can’t tell if I really did mess it up or something, but I certainly can’t shake the feeling that I had a part in that mess.  It was outright stressfull.  I got through it though, and I’m fairly certain I came out of it OK.  I hope.  Who knows what’s going through their minds though.  By the end of the work day, around 4:30 PM or so, I was dead tired.  Being stressed out for about an hour continuously was not pleasant.  Also, I’ve got quite a bit of paperwork to fill out for my employment.  When I saw that, I just wanted to go to sleep.  Oh well, whatever.  I’ll fill it out tomorrow.  Can’t believe I’m 27 now.  I still can’t shake the feeling that I’m still just a kid inside though.  Everyone around me looks more adult than me, and yet supposively, I’m one of them.  A bona fide adult.  When is that going to wear off?  Seriously?  Unless I’m better off not feeling like an adult?  Oh well.  One day, I’ll look back and realized that I never grew up.  Only older.  Let’s see what else is going on in my life.  Oh yeah, Lemon’s finally going back to London.  Took’em long enought to ship him back there.  He was supposed to go last month!  Like exactly last month!  Kept me on the edge of my seat wondering when he was going.  When he comes back, he better have an English accent.  It’d be cool to have a friend with an English accent.  Oh well.  Anyways, another birthday another year.  I can’t believe this one’s been this exciting.  The last one was fairly crappy.  What with all the death and all that.  Seriously wasn’t fun!  This year’s been pretty good so far.  Let’s see where it takes me.  Hopefully into an arms of a woman.  That’d be great.

215, times infinity

Miss me? Sure you do! Come on admit it! You can’t get enough of my ramblings! Sorry I couldn’t write any earlier than this. Unfortunately for all of you, video games trump blogging. So yeah, I’ve been gaming instead of blogging. Or anything else for that matter. Enough about that though. All that matters is that here’s a new blog for the day. It’ll most likely be a recap moreso than anything else though.

Traffic Jam from Hell

So, last week I got stuck on that accursed San Mateo bridge. Well, not on it per se. I was about half a mile away from the toll plaza. So there I was quite literally not moving. Needless to say that I’m going to be late for work. 3 hours late as I recall. It’s a good thing I wasn’t stuck on the bridge itself though. Just a littel bit to the left of the toll plaza is a nice turnaround. Mercifully, the CHP openned it up for those lucky enough to be close to the toll plaza to use it.

Game Reviews

I’m so behind on my game reviews. I’ve about 8 games I need to write up a review for. 4 of which I haven’t even played yet. I’m working on one of them right now, but unless I get a whole week of from work or something, I’m not going to catch up anytime soon. I already know what I’m going to say on 4 of those reviews fortunately. All I need now is just the willingness to sit down and actually write them
Two things are hindering me from actually starting up those reviews. Call of Duty 4 and Halo 3. Both of which practically demands me to give them my precious time seeing how good they are.

Halo 3

Speaking of Halo 3, that game’s great. I won’t go into it here seeing how only 25% of my readers even care about Halo 3. Suffice to say that when I got it from the midnight release on Tuesday morning, I stayed up the entire night learning the nuances of the new stuff with Lemon. I was already sleep deprived by a previous all nighter stint with Heroes. I added fuel to that fire with Halo 3. I even played hookey from work. I’m not proud of it, but it was necessary. After Lemon went home around 7 AM, I slept for 6 hours straight. When I woke up I was still tired as hell. It was worth it though.

Heroes Marathon

My friends are unfortunate to have never received the blessing of the TV show Heroes. I felt obliged to reverse that misfortune. Last Saturday, I brought in my HD-DVD player to Doug’s house and started a Heroes marathon. I think we started around 3 O’clock or so, took a 7 PM dinner break for a good 2 hours (stupid 45 minute wait time at Olive Garden), and restarted right when we got back. Fortunately, Doug knows his limits and ripped himself away from it at like 1 AM. Lemon on the other hand is less fortunate. We went to his house and finished the rest of the season in one sitting. It was 10 AM when I finally left his house. By my calculations, the series is about 18 hours long. I’ve never done anything like it until now. Good times!

That’s it folks. You’re mostly caught up on what’s been going on in my life. I’ll have more thoughts to post soon after my little Halo 3 party. I hope.

210,

I’m sure you’ve had those Mormon people or Jehovah Witness people come to your door hoping to turn you from the "dark side" and into the "light".  Well, I have one particular group that just keeps coming back.  And for good reasons.

They’re not a group that I’ve just mentioned.  In fact, I’m not entirely sure what they are, "Watchtower" or something like that I think.  The main reason they keep coming back is because…of me.  They always want to talk to my mom, whom I might have suggested might be interrested in what they have to say.  I keep leading them on thinking that they might get somewhere in this household.  I’m not doing it because I’m starting to "see the light" or anything like that.  I’m just doing it because the one girl that keeps coming back to my door is kinda pretty.  That’s all.  Yeah, I know.  I’m going to hell.  They think they have a potential convert on their hands.  yeah, good luck with that.  They’ve come back like 5 times already since I first answered the door way back in March or something.  One of these days, I’m gonna have to break it to them that we’re not going to convert or anything like that.  Maybe next time….Maybe.

210,

Wow, where did that come from?  Did I worry anyone of you guys?  Sorry about that.  Like I said, my  depression likes to come in bouts.  Anyways, I guess I should keep you guys up to date in what’s been  going on since then.

So I started my job, as of tomorrow, two weeks ago.  I was real nervous.  This would be my first PAYING job in an office.  Fortunately, the office has about 20 employees me included.  It’s kinda small too, so the tour of the office was pretty fast.  After that, my boss had me take inventory of all the computers in the office.  Again, being the small office that it is, it didn’t take me long.  The rest of the day, I was making ethernet cables.  Fun huh?  I thought it was.  I never made an ethernet cable before.  It was a good first day I think.

I don’t know what I was so worried about.  I guess I’m just an idiot that way.  I get real anxious about the things I don’t know about.  So, I’m two weeks into the job, and so far so good.  They have me bugtesting a program they made.  The feedback from my boss have been positive so far.  Who knows, I might end up doing well afterall.  Damn shame I don’t get paid until the end of  September though.  Oh well, whatever.  It’ll be a pretty big check anyways.

On the other front, the video game drought have officially come to an end.  You see, once the yearly Madden comes out, the season of great games starts.  This is the summer blockbuster season of video games, and just by looking at the releases in the next few months alone, it shows.  This also means that I’m going to be sitting in front of my TV more seeing how I no longer have all day to myself.  A bit of a shame, but as long as it puts green into my wallet, I guess I shouldn’t complain.  I’ll do it anyways just because I like to.  Right now, 3 things are competing for my free time.  The first season of Heroes, Metroid Prime 3, and Call of Duty 4 Beta.  4 if you count Bioshock.  That game is so good, I’m playing it again.  I don’t know how the hell am I going to get any sleep.

Well, I hope this have been a chirpier version of my blog compared to the last of one.  Sorry to get you down so much.  I didn’t really mean to.  I gotta tell you though.  I felt good after writting that last blog.  I guess that’s the real reason why I like to dump all of my emotions onto my blog.  See you next time.

212,

I’ve really let myself go haven’t I?  212!  Ugh!  I’ve been wanting to write this blog since last week.  I guess I should explain why I haven’t blogged for almost 2 months, but before that, have you got half an hour?  Comfy seat?  Maybe even some water on hand.  I don’t quite know what I’m going to write, but I can almost guarantee you, it’s going to be a long read (Sorry Steve.  I guess I’ll just summarize it to you the next time we meet or something).  I’ve got over 2 months of material to work with here.

I guess the main reason is that between now and then, nothing’s changed.  I’ve just been trying to pick up the pieces.  But now, something has changed.  I just don’t understand why it doesn’t seem to change anything.  Wow, that was cryptic.  Cryptic-er than I thought it would be in fact.  About a week ago, I got hired on a temp basis for this failure analysis company as an IT guy.  If they like me, they’ll hire me full time.  This should be by all accounts a reason to be happy.  Here is my chance to finally be a more complete human being.  Instead, here I am bemoaning just how depressed I am by this prospect.  I don’t get it either.  Seriously!  All I can think about is just how much harder I’m going to hit the ground once I fall.  That with a dose of "I don’t belong in an office."  Kinda like how King Kong doesn’t belong in New York City.  You know how that ends for him.  I want to be happy again.  I really do, but something is wrong here.  When I found out that I was hired, it ruined my entire day.  I was just stunned by it.  I’m hoping that once I’m actually there, I can get over myself.  Maybe this will be the best thing that ever happenned in my life.  Who knows.  I’m hoping for the best but expecting the worst.

Have you noticed just how melodramatic all that was?  That’s the other thing that’s depressing the crap out of me.  I’ve gotten completely melodramatic in the past month and a half.  "Look!  There’s a bird trying to fly, but one of it’s wings is broken…Just like me."  "Look!  There’s a cloud in the sky.  I remember it was cloudy on my last day at Sega."  AAARRRRGGHGHHH!  Who the hell is this guy!  He’s me apparently, and I hate him.  Very much mind you.  Oh, how I hate him!

This IT job wasn’t the only job I’ve tried to get.  About 3 weeks ago, I applied for a phone operator job at Sony.  I would’ve handled customer calls about their PS3s and PSPs.  The funny thing is that I originally came in to apply for another game tester job.  When the recruiter looked at my resume, she said that I was qualified for the phone operator job.  When she told me that it would be higher paid, I decided to make the dive.  Turns out the swimming pool was empty though.  I went as far as the meet and greet which was the last step before they actually decide whether to hire me or not.  I never heard back from them since.  I figure it was probably for the best that I didn’t get that job.  I would’ve went insane in a day’s time.

I found that job from Craigslist.  You know what else I found on Craigslist.  Them.  About a month ago, I answered an ad that Mario posted.  He was looking for game reviewers.  I figured "What have I got to lose."  I’ve been coming to their weekly staff meeting for the past month now.  The best part about this isn’t the fact that I get to write game reviews.  It’s them.  I haven’t been able to talk about video games in a good long while.  Around them, I can bounce off some of my thoughts about the upcoming video games and stuff.  Aside from them, I really don’t have anyone else to talk to about video games.

Let’s see, what else happenned in the past month or so.  Well, I went to Chicago.  Nice enough place I suppose.  Deep dish pizza rules!  Also I went to Lake Tahoe just last week.  Pretty lake.  Just because it was so close by, we went to Reno for a half a day as well.  Not much have changed there.  On our way home, we stopped by Cache Creek.  Again because it was so close by.  I wish I knew we were going to Cache Creek before we actually went there.  My mother told me that she talked told me before.  I racked my brains trying to think of when she told me, but I can’t remember when at all.  Never hang around a casino when you’re depressed I tell you.  Listening to all that sound of winning just reminds you of how much of it you’re not going to get.  Speaking of which.  If every slot machine in the world was to make some kind of audible cue everytime you lost, I bet you that being in casinos would be a deafening experience.

There’s more to tell you actually.  Much more.  It’s just that I’ve gotten far too tired as it is to keep writiting.  Good night folks.  May your seratonin levels be far higher than mine.